


let the sun come streaming in

by justwannabeafangirl



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, tw: anxiety, tw: depression, tw: sensory overload
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 19:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14755185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justwannabeafangirl/pseuds/justwannabeafangirl
Summary: “I’m proud of you, Babe,” Bram said, giving Simon’s hand a squeeze. He let out a burst of air, maybe from relief, or something totally different. “It’s a beautiful day today, actually. I don’t know if you saw, but the weather cleared up quite a bit since this morning. Do you want to go sit outside for a little while? Maybe some fresh air will help.”-or-Simon has anxiety disorder but is too afraid to tell anyone.Title: "You Will Be Found" from Dear Evan Hansen





	let the sun come streaming in

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RandomNerd3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomNerd3/gifts).



> Request: “Can you write one where Simon suffers with slight depression/panic attacks, and hides it from Bram (his sister is aware of the attacks, but Simon swore her to secrecy so she can't tell Bram or any of his friends.)”
> 
> Thank you to [Random_nerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_nerd/pseuds/Random_nerd) for requesting this fic!! I'm so incredibly sorry that it took me this long to finish this for you, but I hope that this makes up for the wait a little bit : )

It was already a sucky day, and Simon had barely opened his eyes. Rain poured steadily outside the window, and his mood matched the dark clouds in the sky perfectly. More than anything, Simon wanted to pull his blankets over his head and disappear, just for one day. Couldn’t he just stay home and sleep the day away, just this once?

He sighed as his alarm went off yet again, playing his favorite Tegan and Sara song that would normally put a grin on his face and make him get out of bed, dance, and sing along. But not today. Today, somehow, hearing the song made him feel worse. He groaned, turning over to face the wall. Against his better judgement, he let his eyes flutter closed again, but just as he was about to drift back off to sleep with his alarm still playing, he heard the door creak open.

“Simon?” Nora’s voice filtered through Simon’s sleepy haze. “Are you having a panic attack again? Or is this a depression spell?”

Nora was the only one who knew. It had started when they went to France on vacation a few years earlier. After the plane landed, everyone stood up and waited for the flight attendants to open the door and let people out. Simon didn’t mind everyone standing that close to each other at first, but as the minutes ticked by and no one had moved, Simon started to panic. He couldn’t take a step in any direction without another person touching him, so he held his arms in as close to his body as he could and tried to take deep breaths. _In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four_.

More than anything, Simon wanted some fresh air and some personal space, but even more than that, Simon didn’t want anyone to see him having what he assumed must be a panic attack. What would the people around him think of him if they noticed? Simon did his best to hold it together, and just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, the crowd in front of him started moving. He followed as quickly as he possibly could.

Once Simon stepped into the airport and the cool air hit his face, he let out a deep sigh of relief. He’d made it through and no one had noticed anything out of the ordinary. Now he could relax and enjoy his vacation. Nora joined Simon a few minutes later; as soon as she saw him, she walked over to him and hesitantly reached out her hand and rested it on his shoulder. “Are you okay?” she asked softly. “You looked a little pale while we were waiting in there.”

It was so like her to notice; she always paid attention to details that no one else ever did. Simon was both grateful and embarrassed at the same time, if that was even possible. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Thanks, Nora,” Simon said quietly. As their parents approached them, their suitcases rolling behind them, he gave his sister a meaningful look, and she nodded, understanding that this was something Simon didn’t want to discuss right then and there in front of their parents and everyone else in the airport. By the time Simon’s mom wrapped her arms around her children’s shoulders, Simon had a huge smile plastered on his face as if nothing had happened at all.

Nora didn’t let it go completely, though, especially when she walked into Simon’s room in their hotel suite that night and saw him curled up in the chair by the desk. “Si?” she said. “Do you want to talk about what happened earlier?”

“Nora,” Simon whispered. “I can’t move and I don’t know why.”

Simon didn’t know how he expected her to react to that statement (the fact that he couldn’t move should be concerning to most people, right?) but Nora’s nod of acknowledgment and understanding was certainly not it. He furrowed his eyebrows in response but didn’t, _couldn’t_ , say anything. Nora sat carefully on Simon’s bed, facing him, level to Simon’s position on the chair. “You’re wondering why I didn’t freak out just now, aren’t you.” Simon nodded, the insignificant motion suddenly overwhelming. Nora gently placed her hand on her brother’s back, rubbing soothing patterns into his back as he relaxed. “I’ll tell you, but first I’d like to hear you try to tell me how you’re feeling.”

Simon took a shuddering breath and coughed once before forcing words, any words, out of his mouth. “Everything feels like it’s crashing down around me. Everything is too loud, and everything is touching me too much. The colors are too bright. I’m so overwhelmed, Nora, and I don’t know why. I’ve never felt like this before!”

Nora, who had since stopped rubbing Simon’s back, placed a hand on his knee. “Is this okay?” she asked. He nodded. “Okay, good. What you’re experiencing is normal, Si.”

“It is?”

“Yes. This is called sensory overload. It happens when one or more of your senses gets overwhelmed, like when too many people were touching you on the airplane, for example. A lot of people experience this. It also happens to be common in people who have anxiety disorder.” Nora raised her eyebrow pointedly.

“How do you know so much about this?”

“My best friend has anxiety and I’ve seen her go through exactly what you’re going through many times. She’s taught me how to best help her when this happens, so I’d hoped some of those tips would work for you.”

“They did, thank you.” Thank you really wasn’t enough, but it would have to do for now.

“Of course, Si. I care about you.” Nora paused for a moment. “You should talk to Mom and Dad about this, though. It’ll only help you.”

“I can’t, Nora, I can’t! What if they’ll be embarrassed by me? What if —?”

“Simon, these are _our_ parents we’re talking about.” Nora laughed. “They’d do everything they could to help you and me, and both of us know it.”

Simon still refused to say anything to them, though, and Nora was considerate and didn’t bring it up again for the rest of the vacation. Simon, now more conscious of situations that might overwhelm him, felt much better the next morning, and thankfully the anxiety didn’t return for the rest of their time in France.

Today, though, was just as bad as it had been on that first night in France, and Simon didn’t know what to do. His parents still didn’t know, mostly because it hadn’t happened often since then, but also partly because Simon was still so afraid to tell them. Nora always helped him through it, and every time she’d suggest that he say something to their parents, but he never listened. He felt the same way about this as he had about coming out; if he said something, everything would change all over again, and all Simon wanted was for everything to stay the same forever.

“Panic attack, I think, or maybe sensory overload. Is it both? I think it’s both. Can it be both? I don’t know,” Simon mumbled.

“I can barely tell what you’re saying, Simon, but you really need to get ready for school.”

“I can’t, Nora, I can’t.”

“Bram will be worried about you, and so will Leah, Nick, Garrett, and Abby. Do they even know about any of this?” Simon shook his head. “You’re going to have to explain this to them somehow, you know, especially if you miss school today.”

Simon curled up even more tightly. “I know.”

Nora knelt beside Simon’s bed, rubbing his back like she had that night in France. “Do you want me to tell Mom and Dad that you’re not feeling well and that you’re staying home today to sleep more?”

Simon nodded. “Yes, please,” he said quietly. “You’re a really great person, Nora. I want you to know that.”

Nora smiled. “Thanks, Si. And you are too, really. I think you need to hear that.” She stood up and left his room, grabbing her backpack and heading towards the front door. Simon vaguely remembered hearing his parents come into his room before sleep let him escape for a little while.

It was when Bram walked into his room that Simon finally woke up. His glasses were still on his nightstand, but he knew without having to look that it was him. They’d been dating for over a year, long enough for Simon to be able to recognize Bram by the sound of his footsteps, the smell of his shampoo. “Simon?” Bram asked softly. “How are you feeling?”

For the first time that day, Simon felt strong and calm enough to be able to sit up. Bram sat at the end of the bed by Simon’s feet and took his hand as Simon leaned back against his pillow. “Better. A little bit, at least.”

Bram smiled as his eyes met Simon’s, his thumb moving back and forth across the soft skin of Simon’s hand. “I asked your sister what was wrong, but she told me that you swore her to secrecy and that she couldn’t tell me. She did say that you’d be happy to see me if I stopped by, so I told Nick to tell our soccer coach I was missing practice today. There was no way I’d be able to focus knowing that you were suffering this much.”

Between Nora and Bram, Simon couldn’t ask for better people to be there for him through the panic and anxiety he was experiencing. He knew he owed it to them, and to himself, to speak up and ask for help. So he did.

“Bram, I have to be honest about something,” he began, his voice a little raspy from lack of use. “I’m not sick, at least not in the way you’d expect.”

Bram tilted his head slightly to the side, but didn’t say anything. Simon took that as a sign to continue. “I think I have anxiety disorder, Bram, and I know I need help.”

“You’ve never told anyone that before, have you?”

“No. Nora figured it out just by watching me when it first happened on our trip to France. My parents don’t even know yet.” Simon moved the covers away so he could easily move to sit next to Bram. “I couldn’t do that this morning,” he said quietly.

“I’m proud of you, Babe,” Bram said, giving Simon’s hand a squeeze. He let out a burst of air, maybe from relief, or something totally different. “It’s a beautiful day today, actually. I don’t know if you saw, but the weather cleared up quite a bit since this morning. Do you want to go sit outside for a little while? Maybe some fresh air will help.”

“Yeah, that would be perfect, actually.” Simon carefully stood up, his hand still holding Bram’s, and they walked downstairs and out the front door, sitting on Simon’s front lawn which had almost completely dried by then. The sun was shining brightly, the warmth it emitted filling Simon with hope as he lay his head on Bram’s shoulder.

“You feel tense. What’s up?” Simon asked, his voice back to normal.

“I just, um, I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to cure your anxiety,” Bram said. “I know that’s a common perception, that significant others exist to cure mental illnesses, but that’s not true, as much as I wish it was that easy. I am always here to help you, but ultimately it has to come from you.”

“Oh, Bram, of course I know that. You’re perfect, seriously. You helped me so much today. I’m sorry I kept it a secret from you for this long. I just, I don’t know, I just couldn’t.”

“I understand, Simon, don’t worry.” Bram hesitated for only a moment before pressing a kiss to Simon’s head.

For the first time that day, Simon smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> This was quite a change from the kind of fics I usually write, and I really enjoyed the writing challenge!! Thanks as always to the creeksecrets crew for reading this over for me and helping me out with it. As always, I'd love to take any and all fic requests you have; I promise I will finish them much more quickly than I finished this one since I'm on summer vacation now. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this, and as always, you're more than welcome to say hi on my [tumblr](http://justwannabeafangirl.tumblr.com) : )


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